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Phase four

 The penny always drops at the end. Have you ever been in an hour long therapy session where the first 26 minutes go past as if you were trudging through mud? And the gem of the session you come up with at 6:54, 6 minutes away from the end. You realise that you spent a long time in your childhood waiting for a hero, expecting to be rescued someday, but you never thought it was going to be you, saving you from yourself. if you haven't, then that would mean you're not me, because that was just my Tuesday experience. I feel emotional and brave. Today was a good session, in depth and quite tough, I talked a lot and really went through a lot of brain fog. I feel somewhat floaty still, but I feel so visible. Its not a feeling I am used to so I am adjusting to it, but I welcome it. Maybe like most strangers, I'l give you a chance.
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Phase three

 How very daring to label this sudden burst of energy, of anger, as creative. Not wrong of her, no, but still brave. I guess I am typing to prove her right, or wrong. The words don't flow as easily, its forced but I am very much out of practice. That is another thing to add to the list of things I need to do: speak up  demand for more  understand I am important  act braver  have certainty with myself. None of these things will come easy or naturally, but its something that I need to do. I have a lack of trust and belief within myself which is rather damaging to my ego, which in turn means I need to built up more and more reliant on compliments and how other people view me as a result. This is what the therapy is for, to see the damaging patterns, and stop it.  
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 Phase two. Several days after phase one I have decided to hit the keys again and produce something of note. Today's thought is really of connection, how we feel drawn to people and things to find meaning and purpose. I have often felt left out, floating out heavily rooted in one place. Maybe feeling a little lonely, and definitely disconnected. Today though I saw a friend I bonded with years ago, a person I remember feeling so identical too, even though we could not be more different. I cant help but think about us, how it feels like we are reflections of each other, maybe even we are each other but in different timelines. I cant find the right words for it honestly, but its something that I am so truly curious about.  We have an age gap of a few years, we are of different race, born different genders, but we have are born days apart, yes in different years, but both on a Thursday, with a Sagittarius sun and Virgo moon, original favourite colours were purple. We met and felt ...
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Phase one seems an appropriate name, less pressure than chapter one, or anything of a nature that implies I need to make this a habit. I hope to make this a habit but the likelihood is, I like in many other aspects of my life, will eventually forget about this after three months and find something new to occupy my brain. But lets be very real here, half the time I don’t really have anything to occupy me, I spend my time doing nothing. I hate the question, what have you done this evening, nothing always means nothing for me. I stare at my phone or my TV but I get no result from it. I should study, take up a hobby, go for a run, ready a book. Anything that could add value to my life I could be doing, but I am not. I am not sure when I stopped doing things, but as I have been dating for the last few month its dawned on me that I do sweet FA. For anyone who doesn’t know what that means, it means f**k all.  
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